Wednesday, May 10, 2016 - Day 5
Whispering Springs to Shower Bath Camp
8:30 AM - 3:30 PM
4 miles
Elevation Gain: 400 feet

Last night I woke up because I heard what sounded like a little girl saying, "Help me..." over and over, very softly. It was Nancy and she was dreaming. I didn't want to startle her so I put my hand on her hip and gently rocked her until she quieted. An eerie, intense moment - a little child scared and crying for help.

This morning we had pancakes for breakfast and planned to head out between 8 and 8:30. I was relieved to feel that my legs were feeling better. The muscle soreness was not screaming quite so loudly with every step, but my right knee was stiff and a bit sore.

Nancy and I were ready first so we started up Kanab Creek ahead of Stefan and Haley. Immediately I began feeling the stiffness in my right knee, but my energy was good and my legs were holding their own. I was relieved not to have that debilitating muscle pain I had experience the last two days. I tried to ignore all discomfort and not let it seep into my good mood.

When Stefan and Haley caught up to us I became aware that I had let my slow pace and the stiffness in my knee seep in. I started feeling down, and fell farther and farther behind. I told Nancy that I was feeling pretty badly, that my knee was bothering me, and I was feeling kind of lonely and not doing well dealing with it. She encouraged me, listened to me, saw me. She also suggested I tell Stefan about my knee and ask him if he had an ace bandage. The extra support might help. At our next break, I asked for the bandage but didn't tell him what it was for. I was so clumsy trying to wrap my knee that Nancy took over.

Now here's the strange part - when I got up and started walking again I actually felt better! Suddenly I was able to keep up with Nancy. That felt so good.

The obstacles going upstream were as challenging as they were when we hiked downstream on Day 3. Feeling like I wanted to redeem myself after such a poor hiking performance the past 4 days, I tried to get over and across the first couple of obstacles by myself, without help from Stefan. I was able to cross both of them, mostly on my own - ungainly and not at all pretty, but I got over them. When we reached the third one, I realized I was exhausted, that maybe I had used up my energy reserve trying to do them on my own and now had little left for the rest of the hike. With help from Stefan, I finally rolled my body over the top of the rock and onto a large boulder that was slightly slanted. I still had my pack on and I was sitting with my knees bunched up in front of me, feet on the rock and tried to get up. Nothing doing; I couldn't stand up. I tried squatting, but my quads would not lift me to a standing position, not with the extra weight of my pack. Stefan offered me a hand, but I still could not stand. I concentrated on making my leg muscles work but nothing was firing. Finally I got to my hands and knees and backed my way up to a standing position.

In hindsight, I could have saved some energy by accepting Stefan's help from the first obstacle, but I chose to do it my way. I chose to try and conquer them on my own. I have always wanted to accomplish physical things by myself. But today, trying to do them alone trashed me in a big way.

It's very difficult to express how startled and all out bad I felt finding myself unable to accomplish a physical feat. Who was I if I no longer could climb or pull myself up? I think for the first time I finally let it in that I am aging and my strength is not what it was when I was 20 or 30 or even 50. A hard moment as I stood on that boulder, leaning on my trekking poles looking at my boots.

I am simply not as strong as I was ten years ago, even five years ago, and I need to find other ways besides my physical strength to feel my self-worth. I need to know my limits and I need to learn how to accept help gracefully.

On the bright side, the day was sunny and warm. The creek was cool and we spend a lot of time wading through different depths of water, at times moving slowly over slick, algae covered rocks and through clear, cold water at others. As we hiked, I saw so much around me that was ancient. It was like walking through the bowels of the earth. So much history, so cruel and unforgiving, so beautiful, the creek bed spattered with small delicate wildflowers growing up between the rocks. How did they survive the heat and flash floods? One version destroyed and a new one grew in its place.

Close to the end of the hike, when Stefan and Haley were ahead and out of sight, I stepped onto a slight gravel-covered bank and the rocks gave out from under me. I went down - hard - bruising my left hand and buttock. I yelled from the pain - it was sudden, sharp and unforgiving. It took my breath away. By the time Stefan showed up with the first aid kit, I was standing up and told him I was ok. Nothing to be done about it except keep walking. Five minutes later I could walk without feeling that immediate sharp pain. My butt was numb.

On and on and on we walked, arriving at Shower Bath Camp at 3:30 PM. Getting to camp was a huge relief but Nancy's sleeping bag that had been wrapped in a plastic bag Stefan had found on the trail was wet again. The bag had a hole in it.

Shower Bath really was a beautiful spot, but having nothing comfortable to sit on distressed me. Now, after my fall, my rear end was doubly sensitive. Tomorrow would be a very long 9-mile day. I really needed to get a decent night's sleep tonight.

When we arrived at camp and had our tent set up, we were talking and Nancy told me that this morning, before leaving Whispering Spring Camp, she was feeling very emotional about the dream she had had. I remembered rubbing her back and thanking her for sharing her feelings - tears...

But five minutes later, according to Nancy, I blurted out, "I'm ready, if you're ready." Nancy was still deep in an emotional space with her dream and she said she was hurt that I was so insensitive. She also said that she and I are so different - she had forgotten how different. I like to be alone more than she does. She said she was hurt when she went for her walk up to Whispering Spring yesterday and I chose not to go with her. But I knew it would be a bad idea to do any kind of walking that required putting on my boots. I needed rest, time for my quads to heal. I was not rude when I said no - just honest. Still, I understood her sadness.

I accepted her words and realized I had been more preoccupied with myself, my anxiety, my lack of confidence: Was I going to make it out of the canyon, were my legs going to get me through this tough 4-mile day? I looked at her sadly and apologized. I had not meant to be insensitive.

For dinner we had a Mexican-flavored rice, bean, and green chili stew that was delicious, but it came back to haunt us in the middle of the night and early the next morning. Frustrating after I had finally gotten my bowels back in order. As a result, another hard and restless night.

I wished for a breeze. Every muscle hurt - back, neck, shoulders, triceps, wrists, feet, legs, knees and toes. It felt so good to be lying down in the tent, off my feet and off my butt.

Day 6